My Own Little World of Dreams

A Bad Few Months

2010-07-25T06:25:00.000-07:00

Again I have neglected my blog. Neglected it when I really should have been on here trying to work through these …`things` I have come up against. So much has happened since my last blog. I have felt the rug pulled nearly every time I tried to stand and part of me is a little afraid to try again.

At work my confidence is crumbling away from the outside in. All that is left is this tiny sparkle in the very centre of me that I am protecting with all of my might. But protecting it seems to be at a cost too. I listen to myself fighting back and barely recognise the person I’m hearing. I don’t want to be that person with her excuses and blame transferral skills. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I only transfer blame to people and places where it’s deserved, but I sound like a whining child pleading her innocence… “It’s not me, it’s her, Sir!” People on the outside looking in seem to have this expression plastered on their face as though I am someone who can’t be trusted.

There comes a time where you have to just bite the bullet. I know myself that things are not always my fault at work. When they are I own up and, at the minute, I defend myself when they’re not, though this philosophy is getting me nowhere fast. I need to stop arguing and defending my corner, put my head down and get on with it. So long as I know that I am doing my best and be mindful of those who are holding the corners of the rug I will be fine… Won’t I???

I’ve never had a job like this where I have felt so incompetent on a daily basis. I normally slide right into a role and do well from the off. My confidence normally grows with time and people look to me for support. But here, in my current position, I can actually see that confidence disappearing every time I look in the mirror. I see the fear that I can never truly master this job flashing in my eyes. I see worry that I’m letting so many people down, floating across my face in the morning. I feel myself wanting to curl into a ball under my desk whenever someone looks in my direction. I can’t stand this feeling of worthlessness. I no longer believe I have the power to do anything.

At home I use my time to relax and reflect. I do my art, listen to music, read my books and escape into their worlds… but in the back of my head I am reliving my day at the mill and wishing I was someone else, somewhere else.

I noticed also that my use of colour has changed in my artwork. Even happy subjects seem to have that darkness seeping out of the page. Like some sort of reflection of what is going on inside. Like I can paint, draw and write as many wonderful things as I like although I’ll never really escape the sadness in the background. Here is a prime example:

I was trying to do a light hearted self portrait, writing down the things I love most. This is how it ended up. To me I feel it is a bit of a contradiction and I don’t know what to think when I look at it.

Another example is this where I was writng down a meditation…..the colours seem to be in opposition to the text, not at all the calming image I was going for. Though the silver paint dulls the full effect when it’s scanned in, I can assure you this is really quite a moody page in my journal.

I don’t know what to do at the moment. It’s clear that this job isn’t good for me, yet it pays the bills and we are in the middle of a recession after all, jobs aren’t that easy to come by even when you do have the confidence to look for them.

Emz

Big Steps Forward, Little Steps

2010-06-18T14:54:00.000-07:00

Wow cool, some hot new templates from Blogger! Thanks guys!

Well, been busy since I last posted. I have mainly be writing some stories or reading lots of children’s books. See, one thing about writing them means that you get to have an excuse to delve into the children’s section at your local library of book store. Not that I needed an excuse, I just love kids books, especially picture books with their beautiful artwork jumping off the page.

There are some more video’s on the way…. Just as soon as I get them edited, which isn’t happening at the minute, eeek.

I have also been busy crafting. Some friends and I have decided to combine forces and take on the craft fair world. We have decided to go for the varied approach first and see what sells and what doesn’t. We have jewellery, cards, paintings, paper, books…and the list is expanding.

I have spent some time playing with making my own paper. This was last weekends attempt and a blue flower batch. They came out so well, nice and thin and tough… I was very pleased with the results and have started making this into a book….more pictures of that to follow.

I had a minor blip, emotions wise, on Monday when I felt that all of my hard work clambering out of my depression was for nought. I guess it is what you would call a bad day on steroids, it came on so suddenly and with so much force I honestly felt like a did all those months ago when my illness’ grip was at it’s tightest, like I was about to loose control and the only option was to run away or, putting it bluntly, end it all. It was a bit scary although it disappeared almost as soon as it arrived.

I guess I just need to be on my guard a little more and remember to relax and do my soul searching and meditations regularly to avoid these upsets in the future. It has seemed easy lately to brush off the idea of depression as a bad dream. It didn’t really happen and it will certainly never happen again. But I need to always remember that my very nature and personality invites this illness in and so I must be alert and not let it win.

So, moving onto slightly more pleasant topic, I pushed myself outdoors again for a regular breather from my workplace. I think it is needed for us all to get up and do something different for that 30mins-1hr that we are free at mid-day. I found a place just outside the grounds where I could climb down to, sit by the river and just enjoy nature at its finest.

Listening to the river go by and the leaves rustle in the trees. Watching insects go about their daily life so honestly and freely, doing what they were meant to do. Far enough away from the modern built up world that I can barely hear the cars and the people rushing round. To just breathe it in was spectacular. Why do I have to have a blip occur in order to prompt me out there? I’m at home, happy and content outside. Nature inspires me to grow and be myself so it should be part of my daily life…and so now it is, even if only a 15min walk in the rain, it’s still my connection to the world.

So now I’m off to craft the night away, I have one third of a craft stall to fill and not much time to fill it. But I’m not worried one bit; it’s all good creative fun!

Night Night,

Emz

First Journal video.avi

2010-06-01T23:05:00.000-07:00

Be a dreamer youtube.avi

2010-06-01T10:44:00.000-07:00

Be A Dreamer

2010-05-31T15:29:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UtaXSlUXvVk

Take Each Day as a Blessed Day

2010-05-28T14:51:00.000-07:00

So, I went to work this Tuesday as normal. It was a normal day and there was nothing remarkable happening. A student who has been absent for an age turns up, I mean he is a really bright student and it was irritating me so much that he had been disappearing constantly since Christmas.

Anyway, he asks to speak with me privately. I’m thinking “Yeah. Here we go with the excuses. It’s not going to wash anymore.” So we go into the meeting room and he announces that his best mate, another student who is absent regularly, is terminally ill with cancer. She has 3 months tops and wants to be treated as normal as possible despite frequent absences for treatment. He talked about planning the funeral, the hospice care, everything.

I think I may have sat and stared for a long time, not knowing what to say or how to even process what I had just heard. My students’ absence had been due to him taking his terminally ill best friend to therapy because, for various reasons, her parents could not.

These kids are 18 years old. I cannot believe that this happy, bright, young person is not going to be with us in only a few short months. She hasn’t told her friends, she still intends to get her qualification if she can, she still wants to live a normal life.

The day felt dark after that. I kept asking why… why do these things happen? Not only is this difficult for the young girl, but her best friend is the only one she has told. He has to support her, take her to therapy, watch her change before his eyes and eventually he will watch her die. That shouldn’t happen to a young person, he will carry that with him for the rest of his life. She will die before she has even had a chance to live her life. It’s not fair.

As humans, we are very reluctant to put aside the desperate scramble to live better, to have nicer things, to work more and more, for more and more. We look up to people with money and great jobs as people to aspire to. Some go out and learn to become these people, working hard at their studies, breaking their back to prove themselves. Some just don’t get that lucky break to move up the ladder and work all the hours to pay the bills. Some don’t work for whatever reason and live their lives with a lack of self worth, always believing that they can’t ever be well off as it doesn’t happen to people like them.

There are the rare few who do not aspire to be anything but what they are. They are dotted throughout the classes, they can be rich or poor, smart or not so much, old or young. But these people see life as an experience to be had and never underestimate their own mortality. These are the people I envy.

Nothing is more important than living. It’s not how much you own. It’s not how many qualifications you have. It’s not about the neighbourhood you live in. It’s not about your race, colour, religion etc. It’s not about how many friends you have on Facebook. It’s not about how you look. It's not about what people think if you. It’s about being alive.

My students have been shown this in the harshest way possible. We should live each day like our last, because it could be, none of us know when our time is up. Life is a gift, each day is blessed. When my time comes I won’t be counting my money, comparing my belongings or bragging about my qualifications. At this rate, I will be thinking about all of the things I haven’t done, missed chances, time spent idle.

I remember speaking to a man at one of my meditation groups and he was obsessed with Buddy Holly. He told me that at the next session he would bring in a Buddy Holly CD for me. I told him he didn't have to and he replied that he always gives gifts to people and helps people because he is building up his good credit so that when he is reincarnated he will reach enlightenment.

I know that he was referring to Karma and Buddhist beliefs but I didn't agree with his understanding of it. I totally believe that we will collect good and bad karma in this life and that we will be held accountable for it across our many lives to come, that is, until we eventually rid ourselves of bad karma altogether and reach the enlightenment Buddha spoke of.

I do not believe that giving a gift or doing something good purely to gain credit results in good karma. We have to live, learn and adapt. We have to follow our hearts, remain pure and learn to appreciate ourselves, the living things around us and the world we live in. But we have to do this without pre-meditated thought of what we will gain in our next life. That isn't what life is about.

Having said all of this. An amount of pre-meditation is needed for most of us to start us off. We have to notice what we are doing, question it and change it if it's found wanting. Each day is a blessed day... make a change and embrace it. It could be your last in this life time, so learn as much as you can from it, you may need it when you come back.

And here are two people who knew how to live life properly. My Nana and Granddad when their life together had just begun....x

Emz

Long time, no blog!

2010-05-21T12:43:00.000-07:00

Lordy! Cannot believe I haven’t been on here since March! Well, I have been busy so I guess I have had my reasons.

So… I have been looking at some of the stuff I have missed on other peoples pages seeing as I have been off in my own little world and it looks like everyone has been having a fab old time ;0)

Well, I sent out some of those all important CV’s to employers, 35 local ones in all, only to realise that I had put incorrect postage on all of them and the businesses were getting charged to collect them from the post office. So in effect they were paying to read my CV, bloody brilliant Emz, couldn’t have done that better if you’d tried! Needless to say, I only had one reply, an angry voicemail telling me to check my postage if I want a job… I had to laugh though, only I could do something so daft!

I have started a floristry course… not that I need any more qualifications, I am over qualified as it is, but I wanted to do something relaxing and creative that I have never tried before. I really like it, the smells the colours, the textures and patterns. I’m only doing a short 6wk course, but I have signed up for a follow up one starting in September. Here are some of my arrangements so far… I am fairly proud.

Some of my writting work has been sent off to competitions... I didn't feel ready to do that as such, but I figured I never would if I didn't try.
I have been plodding in the garden too and it’s now got that summery bloom I like to view and inhale. The place where I work is surrounded by beautiful woodland and fields so I have been taking advantage of the weather and going out for little walks to reacquaint myself with nature. I love being out there, it leaves me feeling whole. Just breathing in clean air, feeling the peace coming from the life all around me, and then the distinct lack of confusion that seems to clog my everyday life up.

I have long since come to the conclusion that I am happiest when surrounded by nature. The minute I mix with people my emotions are not my own. There’s this confusion that comes from nowhere and leaves me disconnected. It’s hard to explain, but I seem to be ruled by my environment. If the attitude and emotions of those around me is bad, I feel awful. If they are happy, I am bouncing off the walls. I don’t have my own thoughts and feelings when I am with other people for some reason, and I don’t know why… It’s just weird and confusing to try and figure out.

So, what else have I done… oh, I put pink flowers on my car! I have um’d and ah’d for that long my friend eventually bought me some and helped my put them on. I have a hippie like car and it’s fantastic…. I must get a picture and post it!

I also painted my dream house today, the one where I go when ever I am dreaming or trying to calm myself down. I love the place and even though it’s not technically real, I believe it exists somewhere! Here it is… sorry if it's a little blurry it's a mobile picture. x

Oh, I also painting some flowers last week, I'm going to sew beads on and then post it for you to see.
Anyway, I will try to get on here a bit more, it is good to write on here and read everything other people have been sharing on their blogs.
Toodles
Emz xxx

My Five Good Thoughts

2010-03-26T04:37:00.000-07:00

Well….I haven’t been on here for a few weeks, not because I have finally flipped and been locked away for my own safety, but quite the opposite. Well, I have finally flipped…but in absolutely the best way possible and the view this way round is fantastic!

What caused this??? Well I was looking at my fear list/art shown in my last blog and I suddenly realised I may as well be scared of everything….how in gods name have I managed to leave the house?? The fact is, I haven’t really. Well I obviously have left in the physical sense to go to work…needs must… but mentally, I was still locked away in my safe place, anything that threatened to come into my safe place and drag me out was viciously attacked or avoided. I had to tackle these fears before I did stop coming out in the physical sense.

So what have I done?…Well here goes:

1) To avoid total mental burnout at work facing the same evil task that set me off the last time, I `told` my supervisor how I would be doing it this time. I am not 3 people, despite the weight gain, and cannot possibly do the work of three people. This worked, burnout avoided, I feel like I have actually achieved something… wonderful.

2) I am reassessing what constitutes as failure and what constitutes as success. If I am setting and assignment for a student I differentiate the outcomes for each grade; if you want to pass you do this much, if you want to get a merit you do this much, if you want a distinction, well, you have to do this much. It is almost impossible for them to fail unless they either don’t do it at all, or they put no effort in at all (e.g. plagiarise websites…a popular choice for some of them). So why not review my own internal view and make grading systems, how do I know when I’ve failed? At the minute I just have a black and white view, my pass criteria is so difficult I cannot possibly achieve it so I always feel like I fail… grading systems are the way to go. So now I am in the process of a reshuffle.

3) I am ignoring that person a work who has spent the last 6mths trying to make me feel like a nit. I have just realised, a little late I know, that this woman is a complete childish bully. There is no other way to look at it. She is an elderly woman with the social mentality of a 6year old school child pushing people around in a playground. In fact, I am insulting 6 year old bullies everywhere by making the comparison; she is not even that original! That felt good to write =0)

4) I am slowly realising that I see the world in the most fantastic way possible. I am completely away with the fairies and I really don’t give a stuff. The fairies are nice, they don’t make unrealistic expectations, they don’t bully you, they don’t ever set you up to fail. They appreciate every part of you, they show you the beauty in the world, they make you feel loved. Can I just take a minute to point out I haven’t actually been seeing and talking to fairies… it’s a figure of speech, although I’m sure they exist =0)

5) And the big one. I have begun the growth of the creativity in my little room. It’s now too big for my little room, it needs to expand. I will be starting `Project Passion Flower` in a few short days. The first stage, designing my stationary is complete. Stage two is updating my CV and writing cover letters. Stage four is compiling round 1 of the evidence of my creativity, whether it is writing or illustration or both, ready to send, making it look fantastical! Stage five is hitting the publishers with round 1. Stage six is to start compiling round 2. Then on I go from there. I must ever give up.

So this is where I am now. Phew. No art as yet because I haven’t had the time with work and all this thinking. But I am in the process and will upload shortly. I feel happy, and the fact that I feel happy makes me happier still.

If you have read this far, and you yourself are unhappy, don’t be afraid to think about what scares you, you need to start challenging it. My steps above don’t in anyway challenge all of my fears, but I have started to pick them off and already I feel happy, you can too. Write/draw a fear list, do as Sark say’s, “invite them in, entertain them and then send them home they are fragile”. It is important to realise that the fear is the fragile bit, not you, you are the strong one and with each fear you knock down, you get stronger every day. Give it a try.

Emz

Next Sark Journal Pages

2010-03-13T06:36:00.000-08:00

Here are a couple of pages I did last night. I have put them off for a few weeks, because, lest face it, no one likes to be reminded of their fears.

I started by playing around with my background…it evolved black and white, I didn’t plan it that way, but given the subject matter I guess it fits. The messy black splodges were created by me dipping a piece of paper in some Indian ink and dragging it across the page randomly… To me they look almost like the branches of dead plants when I look at them now.

Along with the normal fears of spiders, fire, dogs, financial insecurity etc I do have some other deeper ones that I don’t mind elaborating on…

Going insane; the prime one at the moment, it seems to always be at the forefront of my mind and I question it, analyse it, turn it over and look at the other side…. It’s a well explored fear, yet to one I know least about.

Change; this has always been one for me. I get used to a routine and no matter how good or bad that routine makes me feel, I still cling to the normality of it, if it starts to change I dig my nails in and cling to it tightly. I think Endings fall in here too. I hate them, endings are so final, so complete, and in my experience either devastating or at least very uncomfortable. They should be avoided at all costs, the nails dig in.

Loosing people; I am convinced that people don’t really want to be near me, or if they find out what I really am they will leave. As for my family, the thought of them not being there scares the living daylights out of me and makes me want to follow them everywhere to keep an eye on them.

Failing; I cannot fail… I must never fail, if I do, the above will happen. Likewise, if I loose people, it is a sign I have failed…Does that make sense?

Confrontation; I will do anything to avoid confrontation. To me, if I never confront people, I will never be alone.

Something bad happening: No idea what the something bad is. But it’s there, waiting until I least expect it.

Blowing up; Not in the physical sense, although that is pretty scary, but in the mental sense. I always feel on the edge of this hideous inner explosion that will be a catalyst for most of the above happening and my world as I know it will shatter.

Sark’s journal asked me to invite these fears in, entertain them and then send them home. So… I have invited them in, I have entertained them by creating art with them, giving them a spot on my blog and now I need to send them home, I don’t want them anymore. When thoughts about these fears jump into my head, I need to send them home, they are not helpful, they stop me from living, and fears cause me to become what I am afraid of.

What I have decided to do is Andrea’s affirmation exercise (http://www.abccreativity.com/). I want to create an affirmation that challenges each of my fears; it turns them around and sends them home. The key word for me here is `challenges`. This is a confrontational word, and confrontation is one of my fears. The exercise involves changing my thoughts. This will be hard work, it may take a while, it may hurt, but I have to do it and I will do it.

Kisses
Emz xx

What do you see?

2010-03-09T13:09:00.000-08:00

How do you view the world…please tell me? I was today told that the way I view the world is different to normal people because I have depression. Apparently I see everything as hostile and poisonous. The person who shared this with me was trying to comfort me by telling me that things will get better when the depression goes away. She said that others can tiptoe round me, but ultimately, I needed to change my view because I am seeing things wrong. I am the cause of all this.

But I can’t stop thinking about it. I keep looking around me trying to see the horrible things that she said I see differently to her. I’m looking at an apple and trying to figure out what other see…am I seeing it different. I was walking and smiling under the trees to my car at home time, only to find my smile drop off my face because I began wondering what others saw when they looked at them, asking myself if my view is wrong. Is my view real? Is what I’m seeing real? Every time I feel and emotion I don’t believe it.

All this has made me feel more alone than ever, because now only I can see these things so no one else can possibly understand. Worst of all, I don’t even know how I should see the world, how do normal people see the things around us?? Is it my perception that is wrong or my actual sight?

I don’t look outside and see dark shadows creeping up to me. I don’t see everything with a tinge of red. I don’t see everything all jumpy and detached like the way they show it on TV. But every experience I have had since that conversation this morning is being analysed in my head, over and over. Did I see that wrong, have I poisoned that with my view of the world. Are the things that started me off like this all in my head?

So answer me this, if you have read this far, how do you view the world? What does it look like? What are people like? Are you normal? Am I normal? Do we all see things differently? Are we all crazy or just me?

I don’t have any art to accompany this post… I don’t feel I trust what I see today.

Emz

2010-03-07T11:12:00.000-08:00

If I think of my life as a road, I feel that I’m now at a break in the road. One way leads onto a built up street, ordered, signposted, busy, set in stone…safe. The other way is by a thin track through a wilderness so beautiful and colourful that it dares me to leave my path, delving into the dangers unseen, at the mercy of the natural world around me.

I’ve been standing at this junction for quite some time. I know which way I am expected to go. I know which way is safest for me. But I also know which way will inhibit my growth and leave me unhappy.

I know that if I choose to go one way, or the other, the choice will not lead to eternity on this road. There will always be other forks where I can meet the abandoned road once more. But right now I’m hesitating because I know which way I want to go, but I am afraid to leave the safe path and amble down an unmarked track.

What if I get lost? What if I fall prey to the dangers? What if I love it so much that I never want to come back, and all that I left behind becomes a distant memory? But what if I get to the end of the road and think, if only… if only I had explored that track, I bet it would have been wonderful.

The only thing worse than what if’s are if only’s. If only denotes that the chance has passed and will never come again. The fewer if only’s I have when I reach the end of the road, the better. So I guess I know what to do. But still I hesitate.

Kisses, Emz

Freedom

2010-03-04T13:09:00.000-08:00

We all want freedom and to a certain degree we have it because we can make choices. However little they may be, we make choices everyday. You may not choose to be on your own... but you can choose not to let it get you down. You may not choose to have a bad day at work... but you can choose to try your best even when it's hard. You may not like it when someone confronts you and makes you cry... but you can choose not to do that to someone else. We all have the power of freedom locked within us. We don't have to know where to look, just have the faith to keep looking for it and believing in its existence.

Keep well,
Emz

Beauty Evolves

2010-02-26T12:36:00.000-08:00

I came across these photos today. A while ago whilst lying on my bedroom floor (can’t remember exactly why I was down there in the first place), I happened to look up at my aquarium. I was instantly mesmerised by the surface of the water for a good hour afterwards, just watching it, photographing it and switching position.

I loved the way the plants reached towards the light and finally met the surface, partially reflected in the ripples. Every shade of green you can imagine, swirling and evolving before my eyes. Bubbles of air floated gently upwards on invisible pathways to this wash colour above, almost like their only wish was to be part of the beauty.

To think that the image I was watching in each split second was completely unique, having never happened before, it emerges then shifts, never to happen again. I felt blessed to have witnessed each splendid moment.

When I found the photos again it brought back that wonder and awe. I felt the ripples of colour in the pictures just wanted to move and be free again as they once were. My initial intention when taking the photos was to paint and draw them…but I don’t feel the need now, the photos are enough to remind me how the most beautiful things never stay the same…they evolve and grow and change and each second is as wonderful as the last.

I think I will add these to my creative journal along with this blog entry as a permanent memory.

Directions and Indecision

2010-02-23T13:19:00.000-08:00

Not overly positive today I'm afraid.
Have you ever been in the position where you have worked really hard for something only to find you don’t really want it when you get it? Or studied and spent lots of time, effort and money to get yourself somewhere, only to realise it is not what you expected at all? That you feel miserable there.
Have you noticed that disheartened feeling you pull from these experiences? Almost like being stricken with grief, you are mourning the loss of this wonderful thing that was your goal.
I find myself in this position yet again, utterly overwhelmed with indecision. Do I just carry on regardless, accepting that this is the path I chose and that I need to grow up and start being an adult? Can I really keep chopping and changing my mind for the rest of my life? Am I going to be that person who trains, retrains, trains again and retrains over and over because she just cannot ever be happy? Why do I do this to myself?
If I was to be honest I would like to work for myself, as a professional artist, writing children’s books whilst running an artists retreat/gallery/shop. I imagine I would have a house in the country, with a studio and shop. I would run arts and craft classes, employ an art therapist and invite spiritualists to do workshops. I would sell my work and that of local artists and students. I wouId write and sell many books. I do not want to be rich; I want to get by doing the things I love.
It all sounds so perfect. But then the worry that I would not cope with the business aspect eats at my dream, the worry that no one will buy my children’s books or art work eats at my dream, the worry that no one would pay to come to the artists retreat eats at my dream.
So I continue to avoid the dream, walking round it, trying every other job under the sun, painting over it and making excuses. I know that if I was to make a success of my dream it would be the last thing I did, my search would stop, I will not feel this grief that I am feeling now. But to attempt it and then fail…I’m ashamed to say, I am afraid to try.

2010-02-21T08:35:00.000-08:00

So, here I am again, showing much more commitment than I had first anticipated which is always good.

I have a few things to share today, one that I should have placed on the last entry but didn't because I was too....proud? Embarrassed? Not sure.

The entry in question was a page I came to in my Sark Journal. The page asked me simply to scribble, maybe give my scribbles names, add lines to them to make them into something, etc. Well, what was my first thought? "Hummm, I will have to practice first..." My stars! Have I sunk so low that I can no longer scribble without panic?? Is this why my creativity has ebbed away, because I have forced it to comply with my own perfectionism?

So, not to be beaten, I refused to practice these scribbles, closed my eyes and just left rip! I did add a few lines and names... just to make the perfectionist inside shut up for five minutes... and here is my result.

The next thing I want to share is my new `Good Morning Poster` that I drew to wake up too every day. I have stuck it on the wall next to my bed and I have to admit, silly or not, it makes me smile!! I am even considering getting glow in the dark paint and painting a goodnight message on the ceiling... copious amounts of fun!

Then, finally… The two pages of my journal that I did yesterday. I have to admit that they are very pink, but that is how I was feeling, pink and happy and content. I just felt that nothing was beyond the realms of my imagination yesterday, I can do anything, I can be anyone, I can go anywhere… I just have to close my eyes and believe (and stop practicing scribbles ;0))

Emz xx

The First Few Days of my Journal

2010-02-19T04:39:00.000-08:00

Well, thought I would scan in the first few pages of my Sark Journal.... I'm going to start guided and see where I end up. The first few things were pretty basic, a photo of me a few scribbles etc, but then we got onto the things I want...however odd or unreasonable. Unfortunately the page I did didn't scan well so I will just have to type them in.

So.... I want to wear wacky and wild and colourful clothes...
To be happy...
To understand and be understood...To be free...
To live a long life...
To have fun...
To fly...
To laugh until my belly hurts...
To create beautiful things...
To have a garden full of wild flowers...
To have friends...
To spin around really fast until I get dizzy...
To keep chickens on an allotment...
To find some treasure...
To walk in the mountains...
To dive to the bottom of the ocean...
To be the best teacher I can be...
To get a book published...
To reach the end of a rainbow...
To swim with dolphins...
To live in America or Australia...
To live in a house with big windows, lots of light, bright paint on the walls, odd ornaments from my travels, crystals catching the light in the windows, pot plants and animals...
A room where I can do my art and writing and never worry about it getting messy...
An hour of quiet every day...
Lots of children of my own...
A gecko...
A fish tank the size of the wall...
For the world to wake up and be nice to each other...
To visit the moon...
To be strong...
To be a good friend...
To practice art therapy...To help everyone who needs it...
To show people what they mean to mean...
To have a day in a fairy tale...
To explore the Mexican jungle and climb the Mayan pyramids...
To see the northern lights...
To visit every continent...
To believe in dreams and wishes coming true...
To love myself...
To paint pink flowers on my car...
To have mad dance time whenever I feel like it...
To learn to play tennis...
To learn a new language...
For the planet to be healed, loved, beautiful and forever...Phew....there was more on that page that I remembered, are you still awake???

I guess what I learned from this is that the vast majority of the things I really want are not only achievable, but a lot of them are free too. I was quite shocked at this discovery and at the same time spurred on. I suppose I can also say that finding the end of a rainbow is achievable so long as I can use my imagination, as is flying to the moon.

The next page asked me to design my own dream space. Little bit of recent history for you…I have not been able to create anything for a long time, I would sit and stare at the pages of a sketch book, move pieces of paper around… I couldn’t even doodle. So this page was a challenge!

But, I did it… Here is the result… not a complete work of art, but definitely better than I had anticipated. What’s more, when I look at this place I created, I feel happy.

Anyway... Lots of love to you and to me... Lets see were I go tomorrow =0)

Emz

Blogging Virgin

2010-02-18T10:41:00.000-08:00

Hi there,

My name is Emz and as you have probably guessed from the title, I am a blogging virgin... I haven't done this before so bear with me =0)

Well, to be honest, the reason I have started this blog is because I have been looking into journaling and can across various online blogs and creative journals including Sark, which I love and ABCcreative. Both women have fascinated me beyond words and inspired me to look inside, rake around and find my true self.

The second journal/blog was started by a lady called Andrea and she really is quite amazing. Well, anyhow, I was reading through some of her stuff online and her website suggested that people with blogs hook up with hers...hence, I set up a blog.

I haven't been too happy of late and recovering from a severe bout of depression, but I won't be beaten. Reading the words and looking at the artwork of these amazing ladies has given me the strength and courage to look to the future, which a few short weeks ago I could not do.

This blog is going to be my outlet for this new, creative and self searching mission of mine. I will post words, artwork, photo's....everything that includes you in this process and is an honest reflection of me and my own little world.

Goodbye for now, Emz